Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
You Might Also Like
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.