Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii