Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
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Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.