sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
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Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping