Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
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Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.