Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
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*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
greetings!
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.