No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
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Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Challenge accepted.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer