@Parentpains: Sometimes I'll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don't have to hear her talk.
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@weinerdog4life: A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
@hipstermermaid: I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
@ericsshadow: [flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]