Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
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Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.