When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
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And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.