USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
You Might Also Like
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
My wife has the worst taste in men.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…