sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
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Me irl
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
live long and prosper!
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?