Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her