@KimmyMonte: Sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.
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@pharmasean: "I just figured the 'H' was broken on your sign" Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
@batkaren: [5:30AM] BRAIN: I'll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don't wake up. BODY: I'll just clip my head on the door frame.
@AlexRogaski: Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here.
@Hebafouad21: In our wedding, I'll invite his ex and be like "Still believe you can get him back?"