Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
My work here is done
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
sleeping beauty
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.