I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
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Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”