Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
i baked you a cake
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Shower sex be like:
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%