Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
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Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
3% human
97% stress
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones