It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
You Might Also Like
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Animal poetry
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
😆this is so true
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks