Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
You Might Also Like
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
so weird how every mom was born today
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
can’t wait til they legalize outside