Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
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I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.