PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
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The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo