Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
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Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too