UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
crochet youtube is brutal
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Just a friendly reminder!
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.