Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
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‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.