I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
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who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I can’t be the only one 😂
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions