@OfficeofSteve: Sometimes when I'm drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I'm the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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@mattgallo123: This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
@CarelWillemse: Uber driver: "I'm close, where are you?" Me: "oh I see you" Uber Driver: "Are you the guy in the middle of the road?" Me: "yeah floor it"
@causticbob: My wife said "You only love me because my father left me a million pounds." "That's not true, I'd still love you whoever left it to you"
@MrGeorgeWallace: If a gang attacks U say you're on their side & U brought them "gang supplies". They'll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away