@OfficeofSteve: Sometimes when I'm drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I'm the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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@TheDailySchmuck: [Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.
@robdelaney: Pretty cool that the letters "B.J." stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.
@WheelTod: "Children can be very cruel," I reassure my 6 year-old. "But sometimes it seems like you aren't even trying."