Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit