@OfficeofSteve: Sometimes when I'm drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I'm the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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@DaddyJew: Boss: you're late Me: traffic Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you
@ThisOneSayz: The person who named the eggplant must have been: a) Colorblind, and b) Totally high
@ElgatoEsmio: We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we're in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
@themacmind: Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret. Pat: Thank you. Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.