@UrbanDouchebag: Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.
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@sofarrsogud: The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
@DamienFahey: About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
@platinum2000: *At the Carnival* Me: How much for the petting zoo? Person: What? *Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*