*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I’ve had worse
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit