Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!