Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.