@chaddaniels34: Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it's the tennis kind.
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@JohnLyonTweets: [heaven] Abraham Lincoln: If only I'd stayed in that night instead of going to that show. Batman's parents: Same.
@FrogAvalanche: "How's the wine?" "House red?" "Yes." *sips, swills, spits* "Wow it's got too much body." "Sorry, I should have evicted the tenants first."
@iLikeCatShirts: Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
@goldengateblond: Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn't seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.