“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
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There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?