Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
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Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!