Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you鈥檙e not supposed to touch it.
It鈥檚 science.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 馃檨
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 馃檮
My husband before the holidays: I don鈥檛 need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I鈥檝e always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I鈥檇 love to have this other thing
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you鈥檙e wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who鈥檚 empty inside.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.