Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
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*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
twitter users today:
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.