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I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
This is me
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!