@Paxochka: Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they're not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
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@Douchekevin: Men don't ask for driving directions because we just don't want to arrive wherever you're making us go.
@shawnhitch22: After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
@hazelmotes1: Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by! Me: wha? Her: Because all the candy is gone Me: Ooooh right. So many.