Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
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[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
i hope my email finds you on fire
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Hamburger Hinderer.