Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
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Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
love pickles so much i put myself in one
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”