#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
No regrets in 2018
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me too door. Me too.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.