Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
You Might Also Like
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
i’m sure it’s fine
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
This is a whole mood;
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.