Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning