Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
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One venti cheeseburger please.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?