Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
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me hitting on a model
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.