Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
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“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
This is my favorite one of these!
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Something Saturday.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
this is how life feels
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.