Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
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Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for