[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
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When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
#winning
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Kermit goes Blue.