Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
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On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls