Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
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Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”