COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
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Brother?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.