Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
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It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Good dog. ❤️
How wrong was this guy?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
The cashier just checked me out.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”