SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.