Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
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Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”